October 8th, 1987 Des Moines, Iowa - Alexander Craig Miller was born, standing 2 feet tall and weighing in at a staggering 12.5 pounds.Fast forward 21 years.....
(disclaimer: the person pictured above is a professional in a closed hotel, since alcohol is strictly forbidden in Vandon House. It may even be water. You can't prove anything.)October 8th , 2008 London, UK - Alex Miller wakes, standing at 6 foot 5, 185 pounds, heads off to work.
Not even 15 minutes pass from the time I sit down at my desk, to when this very old man walks in. I don't remember his name but let's go with Rupert. So Rupert is walking in wearing a old green wool suit, a few minutes pass and he makes it to my bosses desk covering 15 feet in about 3 minutes. Once there he has my bosses attention, but has completely lost mine (ADD). I begin working on my computer. He then asks my boss if he would knew of anyone who could fix his VCR because he just got one and has been working all night and all morning to try to set it up. My boss thinks for a while and then remembers his IT intern (me) to his right.
"This is our American IT intern, he can fix it for 10 quid."
The old man comes back with 5 (about $10) and I accept. Off we shuffle to his flat. 30 minutes pass as we cover the 1 block distance we are from his house. The whole time hes keeps going on and on about his VCR and I believe he asked my 5 times where I was from. "Iowa, it's right in the middle," I always told him. He had never been to Iowa, only New York, I remember because he told me that about 4 times. Once we get to his front steps I get slightly worried, because every step up he takes I get the feeling that he is about to fall backwards, I prepare to catch him. We spend some more time at the front door, because he just changed, "the bloody locks."
"This is the sweetest little old man ever," I'm thinking in my head.
Once inside he directs me to his little 12 inch tv in his living room filled with antiques and old wartime pictures. He pulls out the instruction manual tells me he already has everything plugged in right and shows be how far he has gotten, step 4.
1. Turn on TV
2. Turn on VCR
3. Turn TV to channel 9
4. Turn VCR to channel 9
He had circled step 4 and kept going on and on that hes done everything right. I tune him out, I felt bad but I had to he wasn't helping me out any. After a quick visual inspection I realize he had it wired wrong. I fix it and program the tv to the 6 channels he has. Done.
Rupert had a hard time accepting the work I had done, he was sure he had it right. I assured him a multiple times that it was working now and all his channels are there.
"Shall we put in a tape?" he asks.
"Yeah, sure go ahead we'll make sure the VCR plays as well." I told him, I already knew it worked, but I thought I'd back him feel special. He then walks to the other side of the room and returns with a DVD.
"Oh, sorry that's not going to work, that's for DVD players and computers," I told him, "I need a black rectangular tape." He goes back over and returns with a tape.
"My Adventures with the Tramp," was the title of the homemade tape. Many ideas and visuals flash though my head but I clear them out. I say to myself, "it's got to be some old silent black and white film, this guy is like 100 years old," and stick the tape in the VCR."
"I must warn you it might be a bit naughty." Rupert tells me.
"Oh its alright," I tell him once again think this guy is like 100 maybe they'll be kissing or I'll see a boob, no big deal....
Immediately after I press play I hear it, moaning and an 80's porno beat. I'm sure I turned bright red.
"Can you hear it?" Rupert asks.
"Oh yeah, I hear it." I said while laughing.
Rupert was very worried but totally nonchalant about the sound FX, he was concerned because he could not see the video. We were on the wrong channel, here goes nothing. I change the channel and there it is 80's porn in all its mustache and perm glory. I'm not going to go into details because I don't know who all reads this but let's just say they were pulling off a maneuver named after mans best friend. I didn't know how to be in my own body so I panicked, and pressed stop. I had to. I'm standing here in this old British man's living room, watching porn on my birthday at 10 AM. Clearly not how I had imagined my b-day to be.
Rupert digs into his wallet and hands be 5 pounds I quickly grab it and make for the door.
"Wait!' he yells, "What happened to the picture?"
I told him I just pressed stop, but he didn't believe me. So he presses play again.
Que end of porn money shot scene. I don't know how it got timed so well.
At this point I figure someone has to be messing with me. I'm getting punked, I start looking around for cameras and am waiting for some British Ashton Kutcher to walk in. He never came...
I get shown the way out and Rupert acts like nothing has happened. I still couldn't completely comprehend what had happened. My bosses are freaking hilarious, they must have set this up, I'm now thinking as I walk back. Nope just some dirty old man. End of story.
(The Scene of the crime)
Speaking of people in my neighborhood, the lovely Natascha McElhone lives one block down the road from my office. (a safe 2 blocks from Rupert.) She is the lead role, Karen, in my favorite TV show Californication which just started its 2nd season. I have now made it my life goal to get a picture with her. Luckily I walk by her place coming to and from work so it's bound to happen.
Part 2 coming soon...
Not even 15 minutes pass from the time I sit down at my desk, to when this very old man walks in. I don't remember his name but let's go with Rupert. So Rupert is walking in wearing a old green wool suit, a few minutes pass and he makes it to my bosses desk covering 15 feet in about 3 minutes. Once there he has my bosses attention, but has completely lost mine (ADD). I begin working on my computer. He then asks my boss if he would knew of anyone who could fix his VCR because he just got one and has been working all night and all morning to try to set it up. My boss thinks for a while and then remembers his IT intern (me) to his right."This is our American IT intern, he can fix it for 10 quid."
The old man comes back with 5 (about $10) and I accept. Off we shuffle to his flat. 30 minutes pass as we cover the 1 block distance we are from his house. The whole time hes keeps going on and on about his VCR and I believe he asked my 5 times where I was from. "Iowa, it's right in the middle," I always told him. He had never been to Iowa, only New York, I remember because he told me that about 4 times. Once we get to his front steps I get slightly worried, because every step up he takes I get the feeling that he is about to fall backwards, I prepare to catch him. We spend some more time at the front door, because he just changed, "the bloody locks."
"This is the sweetest little old man ever," I'm thinking in my head.
Once inside he directs me to his little 12 inch tv in his living room filled with antiques and old wartime pictures. He pulls out the instruction manual tells me he already has everything plugged in right and shows be how far he has gotten, step 4.
1. Turn on TV
2. Turn on VCR
3. Turn TV to channel 9
4. Turn VCR to channel 9
He had circled step 4 and kept going on and on that hes done everything right. I tune him out, I felt bad but I had to he wasn't helping me out any. After a quick visual inspection I realize he had it wired wrong. I fix it and program the tv to the 6 channels he has. Done.
Rupert had a hard time accepting the work I had done, he was sure he had it right. I assured him a multiple times that it was working now and all his channels are there.
"Shall we put in a tape?" he asks.
"Yeah, sure go ahead we'll make sure the VCR plays as well." I told him, I already knew it worked, but I thought I'd back him feel special. He then walks to the other side of the room and returns with a DVD.
"Oh, sorry that's not going to work, that's for DVD players and computers," I told him, "I need a black rectangular tape." He goes back over and returns with a tape.
"My Adventures with the Tramp," was the title of the homemade tape. Many ideas and visuals flash though my head but I clear them out. I say to myself, "it's got to be some old silent black and white film, this guy is like 100 years old," and stick the tape in the VCR."
"I must warn you it might be a bit naughty." Rupert tells me.
"Oh its alright," I tell him once again think this guy is like 100 maybe they'll be kissing or I'll see a boob, no big deal....
Immediately after I press play I hear it, moaning and an 80's porno beat. I'm sure I turned bright red.
"Can you hear it?" Rupert asks.
"Oh yeah, I hear it." I said while laughing.
Rupert was very worried but totally nonchalant about the sound FX, he was concerned because he could not see the video. We were on the wrong channel, here goes nothing. I change the channel and there it is 80's porn in all its mustache and perm glory. I'm not going to go into details because I don't know who all reads this but let's just say they were pulling off a maneuver named after mans best friend. I didn't know how to be in my own body so I panicked, and pressed stop. I had to. I'm standing here in this old British man's living room, watching porn on my birthday at 10 AM. Clearly not how I had imagined my b-day to be.
Rupert digs into his wallet and hands be 5 pounds I quickly grab it and make for the door.
"Wait!' he yells, "What happened to the picture?"
I told him I just pressed stop, but he didn't believe me. So he presses play again.
Que end of porn money shot scene. I don't know how it got timed so well.
At this point I figure someone has to be messing with me. I'm getting punked, I start looking around for cameras and am waiting for some British Ashton Kutcher to walk in. He never came...
I get shown the way out and Rupert acts like nothing has happened. I still couldn't completely comprehend what had happened. My bosses are freaking hilarious, they must have set this up, I'm now thinking as I walk back. Nope just some dirty old man. End of story.
(The Scene of the crime)
Part 2 coming soon...
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